


March 32nd

by coulsons-hawk (allyoop)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst and Humor, April Fools' Day, Crack, Ensemble Cast, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Funny, Humor, M/M, Minor Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, Missions Gone Wrong, aliens maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-02
Updated: 2014-04-02
Packaged: 2018-01-17 21:50:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1403704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop/pseuds/coulsons-hawk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The tables are turned on Phil.</p><p>Aka why SHIELD doesn't recognize April 1st on the calendar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	March 32nd

In retrospect, Phil has been walking along a veritable trail of breadcrumb clues for hours. If his decades of SHIELD training had a face, it would be frowning in the same look of veiled disappointment he had perfected himself. Phil Coulson; top SHIELD agent, ex-Ranger, friend to many, and lover of a certain archer; was trapped in an April’s Fools disaster that he really should have noticed from the first whiff of trouble.

 

\--- ---

 

He had woken up with itchy eyes and tightness in his neck that told him two facts: allergy season was coming back, and he didn’t sleep well last night. Or the night before. If he was honest, it has been four days of terrible sleep, which of course is the same number of days his team has been sent on a mission. Clint and Natasha, trouble by themselves and terror when teamed up, had been sent on a not-so-standard infiltration mission. Stark had already lent them a hand gathering intel, but even with the extra help, SHIELD’s knowledge was limited. Supposedly there were bombs or poison or airborne bacteria of a particularly dangerous level. Supposedly there was a mad scientist, in the angry sense of the word, whom had been hinting at a revenge plan. Supposedly there was some unidentified technology involved that had been described as _glowing_. It had never set right with Phil; he had been worried from the get-go. But SHIELD will do as SHIELD does, and so Hawkeye and Black Widow were dropped at the location with nothing more to go on than threat level ultra-red and several dozen back up plans.

 

They lost contact three hours in.

 

Two missed check-ins later and Coulson had stormed into Fury’s office, gun locked and loaded, and a look of determination blazing in his eyes. Fury calmly raised a hand in a gesture of ‘stop’.

“Cap and Stark are already on the plane, halfway to the drop point. Hulk is on standby and Thor has been alerted. Not to mention a small fleet of helicopters packed with agents being assembled as we speak.” He put a hand on Phil’s shoulder. “The Avengers will sort this out; that’s why they’re our best.”

 

He should have felt comfort in the fact, but Phil only felt his insides boil hotter. His team may be the best, but they also get in danger as often as they take a breath.

 

Six hours later, a crackling voice came across the com, informing them in Stark’s usual sarcastic manner, that trouble had been found and dealt with in the first few minutes, and the last few hours has been spent drinking the compound’s entire stash of vintage gin.

Phil seized the handheld from Fury. “Stark, is everyone unhurt?”

“Few bruises here and there. Barton got the worst of it: his face looks pretty awful.”

His stomach dropped. “ _How bad?_ ”

“Oh wait, that’s just his normal face. My mistake.”

Phil let out a carefully chosen string of swears and threats. Stark cut him off. “Whoa, Agent, calma calma. It’s a joke, my bad. Can’t resist a good April Fool’s prank.”

“Director, what’s our policy on April Fools?”

“SHIELD does not recognize April 1st. It is official recorded as March 32nd since 1963 and the incident with the nationwide gopher plague.”

“ _Gophers?_ What-“

“So Stark, this day that-shall-not-be-mentioned does not give you an excuse to _lie_ to me. Is that clear?”

“Uh, yes Agent sir. We’ll head back now.”

“Maintain radio silence. Contact us if there are any delays.”

The radio clicked off and Fury let out a chuckle.

“’Day that-shall-not-be-mentioned’. Phil, what are you planning?”

“Absolutely not revenge, Director. Stark has never done _anything_ to me; nothing warranting a good ol’ fashioned prank.”

Fury’s com beeped at him and he turned to nod curtly at Phil. “Off you go Agent. Do as you do, just don’t tell me anything and don’t let the prank come back to bite your ass if it gets too extravagant.”

“Nick, it’s like you don’t know me at all.”

“No, Phil. I know you _too_ well.”

 

\---

 

Maria rapped on his door, startling Phil out of his planning.

“Plane just touched down sir.”

“Thank you, Hill. I’ll be right there.” He couldn’t help but smile to himself. It was still just an outline of a plan, but he felt the tingle of something _really_ good in front of him. He may just make a new SHIELD record with this one. Phil strode on the tarmac, eyes on the plane door as it opened. A flash of bright red hair was the first person out. And then she tripped and fell down the stairs.

“ _Natasha!_ ” Phil sprinted over, but Maria got to her first. She helped Natasha back to her feet, checking her over for more than just scrapes from the asphalt. She waved off Maria’s hand with reactions that were slower than her normal. Phil tried to catch Natasha’s eye, but she seemed captivated by whatever Maria was asking.

“У вас красивые глаза” She spluttered and then went as red as her hair. She ran off, scraped knee forgotten, and left a very startled Maria behind. Phil approached her.

“Talk to me, Hill. Something looks off.”

She didn’t respond, just gazed glassy-eyed at Natasha in the distance.

“ _Maria._ What did she say?”

“She said I had beautiful eyes.”

Phil’s eyebrows shot up. That was the second compliment he had ever heard Natasha utter. His intuition was prickling, but it got sidetracked quickly. Stark, still in the Iron Man suit, wrapped a much-too-friendly arm around his waist and pulled him close.

“Hey Phil, do me a favor will you? Captain Awesome and I have been having a few relationship problems, meaning I want to be the beast with two backs and he hasn’t gotten the hint no matter how loudly and lasciviously I proposition him.” Phil tried to push away, but the iron arm held him too tightly. “C’mon Phil, help out a friend and kiss me. I’m trying to make Steve jealous of what he could be having.”

“I have a new taser that conducts very well in metal; don’t make me use you as a test subject.”

Stark dropped his arm and Phil walked as fast as he could without running back towards HQ. He needed to see a scientist about a possible neurological problem.

 

His cell rang as he entered the science wing.

“Coulson here.”

“I don’t know where you are and I don’t really care. Just bring yourself and Barton to the debrief room in five.”

“Nick, I’m not with-“

“Don’t tell me. Just get both your asses there in four.” The call ended and Phil debated skipping the debrief, but he figured he could use more information about whatever was happening before he went straight to the science department to get a possible cure. He headed straight towards his own quarters, as Clint was a creature of habit and was found more often than not crashed on Phil’s couch as if it was his own.

 

He heard the shower running when he entered. Phil didn’t bother to knock, he’s seen his boyfriend naked plenty of times, and reached for the handle so he could urge Clint to hurry up. He found it locked, which was strange, and he rattled it a little to make sure.

“Who’s there?”

“Clint, it’s me. We need to go to debriefing.”

“What? I can’t hear-“ There was a crashing noise and the water stopped running.

“You alright?” Silence. He knocked again. “Clint, did you fall?” Phil backed up a little, gearing up to bust the door open. The door opened suddenly and he crashed into a wet and very naked Clint, the towel having fallen in the collision.

“Oh no, _Phil!_ Don’t look.”

He wriggled underneath Clint, not seeing much other than a familiar collarbone that was smushed against his face. “How can I look when I can’t _see_?”

“ _No_ , don’t move. I’m naked. Oh my gosh, I’m so embarrassed. Oh dear oh my, where is my towel, why do these things always happen to me?”

Phil wished he had skipped the meeting to report on this – _whatever_ this was- because this Clint was not _his_ Clint. Clumsy, sure, and a little bit ridiculous was par for the course. But this blushing, meek person was unrecognizable.

“I’m going to close my eyes, okay Clint? And then you’re going to get changed so we can go.”

“Uh, yes. Yes, sir.” He stuttered.

Phil closed his eyes and counted possibilities. Alternative universe was an option, but he was sure he would have felt the shift or seen a flash. Some neurological drug seemed the most likely, but what could affect a mind so deeply that it would make a personality completely different? He felt trapped, and it wasn’t just his static position on the floor that made him feel so.

“You can look now.” It was so quiet, he almost didn’t hear. He opened his eyes and was taken aback. Clint had clearly grabbed the first clothes he could find, and since this was Phil’s room, they were his. “I’m sorry I fell on you. I just, I didn’t-“

He waved it off. “Its nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“And I’m sorry I’m wearing your clothes. I didn’t bring any of my own and I don’t know why I showered here and wow I’m rambling now; I’m such an idiot and I’m pretty sure I screwed this up and-“ Clint covered his mouth with his hands, bright red in the face. Phil approached him as if he would a small animal.

“Hey.” He reached out slowly, pulling Clint’s hands away. “You’re fine.”

He held Phil’s hand in his own, smiling brightly. “You’re too sweet. Let me make it up with a coffee date. Please say yes?”

 _Yup_. The evidence was too much. _There was something really wrong here._ Phil just kept quiet and tugged Clint towards the door gently. “Let’s go?”

“Of course! Wherever you want, Phil.”

 

To say he was panicking would be putting it lightly. Phil was in a full-blown, stomach-churning, throat-tightening anxiety attack. He had no idea what was affecting his team, his friends, his _boyfriend_. The debrief had quickly shown itself to be near useless; it was the same information he had heard over the com, just with added details about what the compound looked like and what they found. Phil had listened intently, hoping for a scrap of a real clue, but it seemed like a normal bad guy hideout full of the usual menacing piles of weapons and strange glass vials in the labs. It was the normalcy that was sending the most alarms in his head. So much information, so much _obvious_ wrong (one glance at the sugary-sweet look on Clint’s face told him that) and Phil still didn’t have a solid theory as to why.

 

There was one.

 

“Director, if I may interrupt before you dismiss everyone-?”

“Floor is yours, Coulson.”

“Actually, can I talk to Stark outside for a moment?”

He shrugged and followed Phil out to the hall, Clint glaring with jealousy as they left. It was short-lived: they were back in a minute. Phil turned to Steve.

“Captain, what color was the floor in the compound?”

“Uh, Phil? You feeling alright?”

“Perfectly fine. Just answer the question.”

The atmosphere in the room shifted almost immediately and Phil couldn’t help but let a smile ghost across his lips. _So close, but yet so far._

“It was steel grey.”

“Stark informed me that it was white tile. Now, I wonder why he would lie about that?”

“I’m gonna stop you there, Agent, because I’m not exactly a reputable source when it comes to memory. I mean, I can’t remember the last time I was entirely sober.”

Phil shut him up with a raised eyebrow. “You’re only as strong as your weakest link, Stark. You should have spent more time on details rather than propositioning me.”

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”

“How many times have you said that before? It seems that every time there’s a lawsuit against you, that’s your refrain.” Phil looked around the room, eyes lighting on Clint and his slightly twitching smile.

He crossed over to him. “Clint, _darling_. Tell me.” He saw Stark glance angrily at Clint, but his grin had already sealed his fate. Phil slid a slow hand through Clint’s hair, teasing.

“ _Fuck_.” Clint laughed. “You know Stark is going to kill me now.”

“I’m not going to kill you, Barton.” He yelled across the room. “I’m going to _murder you twice_.”

“Did you really think you could prank me? Director, what’s SHIELD’s policy on pranking Phil Coulson?”

“As it clearly states in the rule book, section twelve, line four: Phil “King of Pranks” Coulson shall not be pranked nor should his belongings, living space, or body be subject to pranks not of his own devising.”

“I thought we changed it from ‘king’ to ‘galactic emperor of all and in between’.”

“Didn’t fit on the page.”

Everyone was laughing now and Phil’s stomach finally unclenched.

“C’mon Agent, give us a break. We had you fooled just a little bit, right?”

“Considering that this is less a prank and more of a mystery you forced me to solve-“ The room groaned and he waved them off. “Six out of ten. If I’m being generous.”

“ _Six?!_ What? We deserve at least a-“ Captain socked Stark on the arm to shut up.

“Thanks, Phil. We did better than last year, at least!”

“We didn’t even get to the good part.” Clint grumbled.

Phil leaned down towards his boyfriend, who was still nuzzling up into his hand. “And what would that be?”

“Well the theme was ‘romcom clichés’ and I had a whole epic accidental marriage thing planned.”

“Accidental? I guess I should get rid of the ring I bought you then.”

Clint blushed. “Phil? Are you serious? You didn’t really-“

He grinned one of those rare Phil smiles. “April Fools.”

“Oh _fuck you_.”

“Is that a plan?”

Clint’s eyes glinted. “You just played a cruel joke. Pretty sure that requires at least two hours of vigorous make-up sex.”

“Well then, we better start soon if we still want to get dinner later.”

“Perfect. I’ve been craving that really good Chinese from around the corner. I think they’re having a two-for-one special right now and-“ Phil shut him up with a kiss. Clint pulled him closer, ignoring the catcalls from Stark across the room.

“Now this is a cliché I can get behind. Shutting me up with a kiss.”

“It works.”

The loving look on Clint’s face was all-real this time. “That it does.”

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This is complete crack and it's a few hours too late WHOOPS.
> 
> Kudos & comments super appreciated :)


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